A Movie Geek's Steps for Disaster Film - Making

I've seen enough disaster films to know the stereotypes that need to be added in a movie if it needs to fit into the"Disaster film" genre. After having seen 2012 last night, I guess I can proclaim that I have the authority to pen down some guidlines one needs to follow for making a disaster film. These guidlines are also a part of the syllabus in "Roland Emmerich's School of Disaster film- making".

1. Cardinal Rule for The Hero : The hero is the 2nd most eye-catching factor of any disaster movie (1st one being the special effects) Your hero should be an unorganized, slobby, good-looking loser who should have a failed marriage, his career graph should be going south, and it adds more authenticity if he is a garage mechanic/ limo driver/ shoe salesman/school teacher/ construction worker unable to pay mortgage . It is guys like these who play our Messiah in a disaster movie. If Tom Cruise can play a loser in War of the Worlds, so can anyone.

2. Cranky Guy / Soothsayer : He is the wierd guy who can predict that shit's gonna fall from heaven, but nobody will believe him, including our hero. Because he is wierd, has long hair, speaks cranky stuff to himself, add to that he is a conspiracy theorist who blames the government for everything that has happened, from Rosewell to the JFK assassination.

3. The Family factor :  A broken family is essential for any disaster movie, the purpose of any earthquake, tsunami, or a global warming is to bring an estranged family together. So what if the whole world was turned upside down? Atleast you got your family back and are happy together again, only that you got no home to live in. The family should consist of

a. The hero's ex-wife : A hawt yummy mummy who thinks our hero is a big- time loser and a bad father who doesn't spend enough time with his children. The secondary mission of the hero is to redeem himself in her eyes after saving the world.

b. The pesky kids : Always have a boy and a girl whom the hero can take out for camping, fishing after being hounded by his ex-wife to do so. The kids too should think that their father is an all-time loser(they obviously get the idea from their yummy mummy) The kids should be irritatingly dumb and should ask our hero crazy questions at a time when he is busy saving their asses, the questions they should ask will be discussed later.

c. The guy screwing the ex-wife: The hero's ex-wife must be living with another man who is successful, rich, a good company to the pesky kids and buys them cool stuffs. Note that heshould not be as good lookin' as the hero, because it will only pose a problem to the heroine at the end of the movie on to whom to go back to, the good lookin loser of an ex-hubby who saved the world or the guy she is currently screwing who has it all (maybe not all because an earthquake may have destroyed it all).

4. The Dog : The dog plays a crucial role in a disaster movie, go for the adorable puppies or the cute and cuddly sons of bitches. Put them in a scenario where they are in some serious shit fighting for their life, maybe they have to jump off a ledge or catch a moving a car or train or spaceship. But never ever kill em, these pups are great pussy magnets (am not talkin bout kittens or cats here). Seeing a cute pup in trouble can make any chick squeal with anxiety, they are so dumb not to realise that Hollywood doesnt kill dogs, let alone puppies, we have seen this in so many disaster films. By the end of the movie these dogs end up being a part of the hero's family, giving company to the pesky kids who find him cute enough to play with. Thus completing the picture perfect family of

a. The Loser turned Savior hero
b. The Hawt yummy mummy
c. The pesky kids
d. The dog/ pup

5. The President and his speech : There has to be a President, preferably a African- American President, Morgan Freeman did it in Deep Impact,  and also throw in a scene where he gives his famous presidential speech to America that maybe broadcasted all over the world, use sentences like :

America will fight
We will stay together/ united
We will have the will to survive...
We all nations should come together at a time where the world is at the brink of disaster
Also show a shot of a bunch of rednecks in Times Square going "wo-hoo" as they see their Mr. President on a mega big-ass screen TV, speaking about the will to survive. Paint a picture as if greatness is thrust on the US of A to save the rest of the world from a disaster.

6. The Boss and his Subordinate : In a parallel storyline put in a cold and calculating boss of a govt agency who has been entrusted the task of making plans to save humanity, he should be a cold and calculating Whiteboy who runs a tight ship giving orders, making sure that he sticks with the deadline. He is like Dr.Asthana from that Munnabhai movie, cold, calculating and uses his head instead of his heart.

The sub-ordinate must be a black guy who has a heart of gold, a quintessential nerd who bows down to his boss's demands from the beginning of the movie, but later in the end grows a pair to question his Boss' authority and fights for the rights to survive of the other less fortunate people. Needless to say, the dude with the heart of gold and balls of steel wins the argument.

7. Cheesy lines : These are the lines that one has to say to give the effect of a Disaster movie:

a. "You should see this" - This line gives the viewer anxiety pangs of what he is about to see, this line acts as a buildup to scene of disaster which we are about to witness. Applicable only to pilots / captains of any vessel or airplane who are relaying information to their superiors.

b. "Holy Mother of God!" - to be said when one sees the trail of disaster left behind by an earthquake or a tsunami, applicable only to minor characters with lesser screentime who are gonna die anyway in another 3 minutes. This line usually follows "You should see this"

c. "We all gonna die!"  - Applicable only to the cranky guy who says this to spook you and everyone in the hall.

d. "Stay here I will come back" - A poor man's version of "I'll be back" which was made so popular by Arnie in the Terminator series. Applicable only to the hero when he goes to save life/ or kick some alien ass. It is automatically ensured that the hero will come back triumphantly whenever he has spoken these lines.

e. "Daddy, are we gonna die?" - The dumbest question that was ever created in the disaster movie genre. This is the question I was talking about earlier in the post. Kids ask questions, a lot of em, but this has to be the dumbest of the lot. Applicable to kids of the hero who ask this just to annoy the crap out of you. They should know that they are the heroe's kids, Daddy dearest will always keep em away from harm's way. By this time the kids would have started to respect their Loser Dad after they see him bravely save the life of the guy- screwing- their- mom.

f. "We are gonna stay together, you understand me !?" - Obviously to be said by the hero, and applicable only to the hero who says this line to show you and the slutty ex-wife who the boss is. This line brings a feeling of reassurance among the kids and the ex-wife that Loser Dad will face anything selflessly to save their asses.

8. The Indian scientist : This is the final point which I had forgotten to add. Be assured of finding an Indian scientist who speaks Hindi with a heavy American accent when conversing with his wife, ironically, his English will sound more believable than his Hindi. And the odds are that he may have a last name "Patel". We Indians don't just drive taxis and serve Chicken tikka masala to White people anymore, hell yeah! We also calculate the temperature at which the Earth's crust will start giving rise to mega-tsunamis and can also warn you on how much time you got. This guy will be a regular fixture in forthcoming disaster movies, and an actor of Indian-American origin with a bad Hindi and even bad acting will play this character. You can see that he has modelled his speech on Apu, the Kwik E-mart guy from The Simpsons, though you can ask him to go easy on ending every sentence with "my friend!". The theatre will burst into cheers once we Indians are given credit for warning the world but ironically end up losing our own lives, the "We are here because of an Indian" part does ease the pain. We are a huge market for disaster movies, my people better be there in the script.


Final Note: Make sure that the guy-screwing- the ex-wife is killed in a car crash or has been smashed to pulp in a conveyor belt, or blown to pieces by the end of the movie. This will help in bringing back the hero and his family together, thus confirming your faith in the adage "An estranged family that faces a natural disaster together, survives together". 

Another novel written by JK Rowling discovered: Rahul Putter and the Unfortunate Indians

After a crime novel, another novel written by JK Rowling under a pseudonym has been discovered. This time a political fantasy novel set in India titled “Rahul Putter and the Unfortunate Indians”.
This not-so-well-known book was written by “Janki Rai Singh” which has been revealed to be another pseudonym of JK Rowling.
This book attempts to make the protagonists in the original Harry Potter Series more life-like by having their personalities resemble real persons, so as to appeal more to adult sensibilities, especially in India.
“The story is based on a very powerful wizarding community called politicians who rule over ordinary muggles such as you and me,” JK Rowling explained. She admitted to have written the book in an exclusive interview with Faking News.
The good wizards, led by Rahul Putter, are gifted with extraordinary magical talent and have ordained that they will pull out, not rabbits, not pigeons, but near free food for a billion people out of their hat. No one knows how it will happen or where it will come from. It’s magic.
Legend has it that Rahul Putter was only a baby when it was destined that he would become the “Chosen One.” He did not even have to lift so much as a finger or a wand. Instead, Rajiv Gandhi lifted his wand and gave it to Sonia.“These wizards can also hang the parliament indefinitely in mid-air and make tax payers’ money disappear,” Rowling said, further detailing their magical capabilities.
“Love is the greatest magic of all,” Putter’s mother has since taught Volde Modi and others as she overthrew them took over the Indian government. She conquered Rajiv Gandhi’s heart and then an entire country. Avada Kedavra!
It is said that Sonia’s inter-racial sacrifice has made Putter omnipotent. “I named him Vice President of the Congress even before I named him Rahul,” Sonia is quoted in the novel.
Rahul Putter has been struggling to complete his Ordinary Wizarding Levels (O.W.L.S) before he sits for Prime Minister.
“He is having trouble at school. He has still not learned how to make his broomstick fly. He only makes USDINR fly,” Hogwarts principal, Dumbledore says in the book.
Volde Modi is determined to confiscate power from these wizards through his powerful and unusual brand of magic, called “development”, a phenomenal magical feat which few wizards have dared to achieve until now.
Volde Modi sends shivers down the spines of members of the Putter camp. They are so terrified of him that they refuse to take his name. He rises to power gradually, growing stronger day by day, by summoning Facebook and Twitter followers, as well as people who don’t need free food, along his side.
He is also rumored to be offering VM tattoos, also known as the Dark Mark, for free through shady tattoo parlors in Ghatkopar and Chandivali. The tattoo is known to burn on the forearms of his followers every time the growth rate of Gujarat increases.
“Volde Modi is definitely one of the most talented students to have studied in Hogwarts,” said proud professor Dumbledore, referring to Volde Modi’s latest magical feat wherein he presented to us as many lives in 2013 as he vanished in 2002.
“The disappear & reappear magical act has been very popular in the wizarding community but so far it has only worked on pigeons and rabbits. This is the first time someone was able to apply the act on Gujaratis,” the professor points out.
When Manmohan Singh was asked to comment on any potential involvement of his government in influencing this plot of this Harry Potter sequel, he suddenly started banging his head on the wall and shrieking “Dobby no speak, Dobby no speak.”

Startup Visa offered by Citizenship and Immigration Canada

Canadian Government has implemented a new and unusual reason for issuing a visa. It is called the Startup-Visa. This program is a unique way of connecting entrepreneurs with appropriate well-established organizations in Canada. This visa is a great offer for all startups as Canada is a country that provides advantages in many aspects. It has a strong economic growth along with amazing facilities of research. Fortunately it has low tax rates as well as business expenditure. Canada, with its fantastic lifestyle, has very simple and basic procedures that when followed would grant us with our startup visa.
The initial step is to get an investor for your startup idea. All you need to do is to sell your idea and persuade angel investors or VC fund to give you a support letter. Just include it with the application form and you are one step closer to your dream.

The knowledge of English or French language is essential. You need to be able to communicate in at least one of them. Qualify the tests to get to the minimum level of CLB5 and send the documented proof of your result to Citizenship and Immigration Canada(CIC). Next include the proofs of your education wherein you must have completed at least one year of post-secondary education with the application.
Government of Canada will not financially support you or your family members who migrate to the country. You will be completely responsible for the living costs of your family. There is a specific amount of money that will be required for a family of a particular number of members as specified by the Canadian government and you cannot borrow this money. It is necessary to submit proper proofs that you have the required funds. If you carry more than C$10000 you must inform a Canadian official upon arriving in Canada. This is necessary as per the rules of the country and if not followed there are high chances of being fined or imprisoned. There are certain medical exams and police checks that need to be performed before doing anything else.

After all the above things have been done you must download and print the application package found in their official website. Pay the processing fee for you as well as your dependents and the Right of Permanent Residence fee too. Once all the fees have been cleared submit your application online and then you just have to wait for a certain processing time period.
A CIC officer will check all your details and documents. Inform him if there has been any recent change in any of your personal details. After you have been verified completely your permanent residence visa will be confirmed.

A short procedure will be followed once you arrive in Canada. An officer from Canada Border Services Agency will check all the travel documents belonging to you and might carry out a necessary questionnaire. Remember not to carry any item that is forbidden in Canada.
A wonderful opportunity for new entrepreneurs to get financed and shift their base completely to Canada, do not miss the chance.