MISS FORTUNE (A PLAY)

Miss Fortune
A Short Play
by
Mutnuru Muralidhar

Cast of Characters

Miss Fortune: An aging gypsy fortune-teller

Kelly Alex George: A teenage girl


The Time
Present (however the sets, props and costumes give the appearance of the late 1940's)

The Place
The storefront space of Miss Fortune

At Rise: KELLY ALEX GEORGE enters and walks toward the entrance of Miss Fortune's storefront.
KELLY is a teenage girl of 16. SHE wears a modest skirt and blouse and has a ponytail with a ribbon in her hair.
SHE carries a black fancy leather purse. KELLY enters Miss Fortune's storefront but is apprehensive.
A sign on the entrance reads "Miss Fortune Is In - Destiny Need Not Be A Surprise."

Miss Fortune's storefront space is dark and mysterious, somehow strange or perhaps a bit eerie or unearthly.
There is also a lot of dust. KELLY looks around. Center stage is a clothed table with two chairs.
A large crystal ball is set on the table along with a bell and a note card. KELLY sits down at the table and picks up the note card.

KELLY
       (Reads the note card aloud.)
Please ring bell for service.

KELLY rings the bell. SHE waits a few seconds. Nothing happens. SHE rings the bell again.

MISS FORTUNE
      (Off stage.)
No need to get your undies in an uproar - I'll be right there.


KELLY opens her purse and checks her money.


From off stage, a loud crash is heard, as if someone has fallen.


MISS FORTUNE
       (Off stage.)
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH - Crap !!!!


MISS FORTUNE enters. SHE is wearing the ensemble of an old and worn-out flapper. SHE is completely disheveled.


MISS FORTUNE
Boy - am I glad you're here.


MISS FORTUNE sits down at the table with Kelly.


MISS FORTUNE
You know - it's been one hell of a day already. So - what brings you to my humble abode? Although I don't live here - I'm not really sure why I said that actually -

KELLY
Well - I - I'd like to have my fortune told.

MISS FORTUNE
You've come to the right place. I am a fortune-teller. At least I was a fortune-teller, the last time I checked. It did say fortune-teller on the door when you came in - didn't it?

KELLY
Yes, it did.

MISS FORTUNE
Good.

There is an awkward moment of silence.

MISS FORTUNE
Oh - how rude of me not to introduce myself - Miss Fortune's my name - your destiny is my business. And you are?

KELLY
Kelly Alex George.

MISS FORTUNE
I'm very pleased to make your acquaintance, Miss Kelly.
       (Holds out her hand for Kelly to shake.)

Both women wait for the other to speak.

KELLY
       (Finally.)
Lovely weather we're having for this time of year.

MISS FORTUNE
It certainly is. I remember when I was young girl - about your age - must have been 40 years ago or more - how old are you?

KELLY
I'm 16.

MISS FORTUNE
Oh - the sweet simplicity of youth. Appreciate it while you can - one day - before you know it - it'll be gone. Oh - to be 16 again -

There is another awkward silence.

KELLY
Is there anything special you need for me to do?

MISS FORTUNE
No - I don't think so.

There is a brief pause.

KELLY
Are you going to read my fortune?

MISS FORTUNE
Your fortune? Oh - yes - right. That's why you're here. Shame on me. I completely forgot. Heaven knows I'd lose my nogen if it wasn't fastened on. I seem to have misplaced my Lucky a few days back and I haven't been myself since. Have you seen him?

KELLY
Seen who?

MISS FORTUNE
My Lucky?

KELLY
I don't think so -

MISS FORTUNE
What kind of a fortune-teller can I possibly be without my Lucky?

KELLY
Maybe I should go -

MISS FORTUNE
      (Howls.)
NOOOOOOOOOOO! You mustn't go until our work is done. There is still much we need to do. The path you're on is uncertain - unpredictable - ambiguous and quite vague. Your future is obscure, hazy, indistinct somehow. You are in a state of confusion - a decision must be made today.

KELLY
A decision about what?

MISS FORTUNE
Your destiny - your fate.

KELLY
I don't understand -

MISS FORTUNE
You may have had the thought from time to time that life was about chance - random acts both good and bad. Well you've come here today to learn the truth - everything that happens is fate - predetermined already - actually ordained from the time of birth. But somehow, your destiny has run amuck. You're stalled on the highway of life. You've come to me for a tow.

KELLY
Oh -

MISS FORTUNE
Not to worry. You're in the right place. And at exactly the right time. But I guess it always works that way, doesn't it.

KELLY
What?

MISS FORTUNE
Life.

KELLY
I suppose so.

MISS FORTUNE
Nothing to fear, my dear. It's a very simple process.

KELLY
What are you going to do?

MISS FORTUNE
I want to perform the Ritual of the Domestic Warrior Princess of Kulu, but first, I'll need to summon the Great Voice from Beyond. That is - as long as he's not on vacation.

MISS FORTUNE starts to dance outrageously.

MISS FORTUNE
Get down - get funky. Funky like a monkey. Ooooooohhh, baby, baby - Oooooohhh, baby, baby. That's the way - Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh. I like it - Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh.

KELLY stares in disbelief.

MISS FORTUNE
What is it you young folks say today? I'm getting jiggy with it.

MISS FORTUNE finally stops dancing.

MISS FORTUNE
Now for the Chant of the Unforgotten. Or is that the Unforgiven. Oh- I can't remember.
       (Pointing to Kelly's purse.)
You wouldn't happen to have the eye of a newt in there, would you?

KELLY
No - I don't.

MISS FORTUNE
That's too bad - perhaps we can make due without it.

MISS FORTUNE rises and ceremoniously begins the chant.

MISS FORTUNE
Macaroni, jello, refried beans, ham
Frogs legs, chicken lips, eye of newt, spam.
You have no idea how difficult it is to find something that rhymes with ham.

KELLY
I - um -

MISS FORTUNE
SHHHHHH! Can you hear him?

KELLY
Hear who?

MISS FORTUNE
The Great Voice from Beyond

KELLY
I don't hear anything.

MISS FORTUNE
Listen.

BOTH WOMEN listen intently but there is silence.

KELLY
I don't hear a sound.

MISS FORTUNE
Must have been a false alarm. It happens all the time. Wait - there it is again - Listen -

KELLY
       (After a moment.)
No - I'm sorry. I don't hear a thing.

MISS FORTUNE
Wait -

MISS FORTUNE begins to go into a trance.

MISS FORTUNE
Hummmmmm…..Licorice…..candy corn…..chocolate covered cherries…..ice cream - ooohhh - banana fudge ripple swirl…..oatmeal raisin cookies…..lemon meringue pie…….tuna fish???? Lucky - is that you? Where are you, precious? Won't you come home to mommy? I miss my pretty little kitty cat -

KELLY loudly clears her throat awakening Miss Fortune from her trance.

MISS FORTUNE
I must have dozed off there for a minute. Now - where were we? Ah - yes - your destiny is destroyed - a wreck - in ruin. Let's see what I've got under here -

MISS FORTUNE puts her head under the table in search of a restorative.

MISS FORTUNE
I know. We can make a life-size replica of you in wax - - - no, too messy. How about a voodoo doll - - - no, bad karma. Ah-ha! Here's the perfect thing.

MISS FORTUNE rises from under the table.

MISS FORTUNE
Here I have the ultimate in fortune-telling technology. The finest in destiny damage control. The top-of-the-line tool for universal karmic reversal. I present to you ……The Equalizer.
       (Shows Kelly a boiled egg.)

KELLY
It looks like an egg.

MISS FORTUNE
It is an egg.

KELLY
What's so special about it?

MISS FORTUNE
This egg has unyielding powers of metacarnation, prestidigitation, and telesignia-portation. And what's more - you can eat it.

KELLY
Why does that egg have so much power?

MISS FORTUNE
I boiled it.

KELLY
Oh -

MISS FORTUNE
With this egg in your life - all your problems will be solved. Your destiny will be put back on track. Your fate will once again be certain - definite - secure - clear. Bet you feel a whole lot better already.

KELLY
To be honest, Miss Fortune, I'm a little disappointed.

MISS FORTUNE
Disappointed?! What ever for?

KELLY
Well - I came here hoping to get the answer to a question.

MISS FORTUNE
But I saved your destiny. Rescued your fate. I even gave you an egg.

KELLY
I know - I appreciate all you've done. But I really want to know if Robin McDonald is going to ask me to the school dance this Friday night.

MISS FORTUNE
Love. It's unpredictable, impulsive, spontaneous, impetuous - or maybe that's youth that's impetuous - but no matter. Questions of love I cannot answer.

KELLY
Oh.

MISS FORTUNE
Only time will tell.

KELLY rises.

MISS FORTUNE
That'll be Rs.1000 for today.

KELLY looks at Miss Fortune.

MISS FORTUNE
And don't forget your egg, my dear.

THE END