What is love?

What is love?

This isn’t the post where all you guys go, “Dude, Y u so emo?” and stuff like that.

This is just me being definitive and assessing factors.

When someone puts up one long/big status message on Facebook, you know controversy is in the neighborhood or it has to be attention seeking of some sorts. Well, that is my plan. Was, rather. But, seeing how people find it to be more annoying than useful, I have decided to rekindle my liking for my “dying” blog and save up some time to write this post. Let’s get down to business here, then.

This post speaks of how I view of this “love” from the results of my studies/experiences so far. Time has come for me to conclude on what I feel it is, being pretty sure about how many of you will be able to correlate with my ideals.

Contrary to popular beliefs and solid definitions that love, is an interpersonal emotion, I believe that love is not specific to being interpersonal. If so, why would or how could anyone fall in love with a place, an object or an activity or even the absence of someone or something?

Clearly it is not confined to being interpersonal. What love is, is actually a feeling of feelings. How? Let me tell you.

One feels happy when he or she has achieved success.
One feels sad after the loss of a person.
One feels excited about exploration into new lands.
One feels anger, sympathy, empathy and nervous in different times.
One feels special when treated indifferently (in a good way, obviously).

So, how can one, categorize this “love” in the same set of feelings as the ones listed above, when love, by itself does not have a specified feeling? Even biologically, feelings have definitions.

From what little of neuroscience I know, I say this.

Happiness, for example is triggered by the serotonin hormones. Similarly, sadness or disappointment is caused by the absence or  the lack of serotonin or endorphins. And likewise, ghrelin reduces one’s anxiety levels.

At times, the phenylethamine hormones are mistaken to induce the feeling of love. But tests and studies say that phenylethamine has more to do with trust, as in relationships and we all know that one does not have to love to be in a relationship.

So what do I think love is then? 

Love, as I mentioned earlier, is a feeling of feelings. One can feel a number of feelings when in love. (again, not necessarily interpersonal). Let us, for the sake of simplicity and convenience, consider a specific place that one is in love with. Why would someone be in love with a place, you can’t even kiss it. The answer is simple. One feels a variety of feelings which are entitled to love when in that place. A sense of happiness, a sense of being around people who you share memories and moments with, in that place, maybe grief or excitement, but clearly, not just one feeling. If it was just one feeling, like happiness, then one would just be happy in that place and wouldn’t be in love with it. Yes?

For me, the whole “falling in love with someone is a one time thing” is complete BS. Especially in an era where it is becoming super easy to approach and talk to people, I know most of you would be in accordance with this but let me explain this to someone who would still not comply. If the fact that love is a collective feeling of feelings has been established, why can’t one fall in love again? Or maybe even, fall in love more than once, at the same time? Obviously there will be a relative difference but there’s no saying that it is impossible of sorts. If love is enabled by feelings of happiness, excitement, sympathy, empathy, Lakshmipathy and whatever that goes into this collective feeling at the same time, why can’t two people make you feel all those feelings at the same time? When two places can, why not two different people? Especially when all those feelings are triggered hormone-specifically. Not like you have control of when your glands/cells/tissues secrete them. When there is something that is SUPPOSED to make you feel happy, you feel happy. Of course, there is always the option to publicly deny it. But it does happen. There is no denying it from yourself.

So, when you’re feeling love for someone, you’re actually happy in that person’s presence. You feel the absence of serotonin during that person’s absence, excitement when you reach new heights with that person, phenylethamine when that person is sitting right beside you or sympathy when the other person experiences happiness or grief and most of all, empathy. Don’t know where Lakshmipathy comes into all of this, pretty sure it does though.
So, when one person has the ability to make you feel all of this, why can’t another? I am not saying that every other person around you can make you feel the same but there is no strict probability that there is only one person who can do that. If so, it just shows that you are being very picky with who YOU feel you WANT to feel all those feelings with. There, that is enough proof for my opinion.

Now, let us consider someone who has nothing in life to be happy, excited etc.. about, individually that is. Why do we find those people looking for love with so much desperation? Again, it’s simple, it’s because love offers more than any other feeling does individually. People would rather fall in love with a person or an activity than look for people or things that make them feel happy in specific or excited in specific. This shows the importance of love.

Love is also a sign.

It is a social status. It allows people to interpret as to how well you’re doing and not just mentally.
Not being loved or not having someone/something to be in love with as again, a collective feeling. We observe that there is lack of happiness, reduction in excitement, the less you start feeling. Allowing yourself to love more will only keep you happy more; And that is primarily what people want, to be happy. Although, being happy also has a lot of factors, it is a singular feeling.

I do not know how to conclude this post and ending it with the above statement would make it too abrupt and I would of course, blame my amateurism in writing for that but I would like to say that society is moving more towards greed and I feel love would help collective growth more. Love more!

There, I said it.

Oh and I would love to listen to your opinions as well, arguments and debates are always productive in terms of learning. :) 

Familiarity and Contempt

”Familiarity breeds contempt ” is a saying which always fascinated me. It sounded so meaningful whenever you have had a "stab in the back" experience. We meet so many people, get connected to so many, become friendly with a few and with some, it seems like lifelong bonding.

We have family members, friends, close friends, relatives, distant relatives, acquaintances, neighbors, all coming under different groups and each with its own level of bonding. What is it that really happens when we meet someone? Some we like instantly, some we find very withdrawn and reserved, with some we share good vibes which promise to develop into a more meaningful relationship and, finally, with some there is a strong sense of commitment and sincere bonding. In any relationship, be it with friends, relatives or close family members, we all look for comfort zones and freedom of expression. Any person, who deals with you in a warm and caring fashion, becomes your friend - a friend is someone, whom you feel, is like you in many ways or likes you enough to give you a feeling of comfort and security. The friendship then blooms because there is a lot of freedom, and, the need to share, care and express keeps both connected.

Relatives too can be your good friends and family members too can be your good friends. Any person in this world, who gives you a secure feeling, can become your friend. Since all of us are in this world to live a life of comfort and to be happy, our first priority in life is to see how to achieve these comforts. Each one is out to perform their duties well, and achieve happiness and success in whatever they do. When you deal with all the struggles that accompany you in fulfilling your wishes, you come across so many people who are a part of your life in helping you to move towards your goals.

For a child, it is the parents, teachers, classmates who help them through their journey. For a teenager, it is his or her friends, lecturers and family members, who give support to help realize his or her goals. At work, it is the boss and colleagues, who help you through your professional expectations. At home, it is the spouse and kids who give you support and are also the reasons for you to strive and achieve your goals, of providing comfort and happiness for yourself and those around you.

At each level and in every phase of life, one finds people who act as the foundation, the pillars and also the roof and with whose presence, support, help, and guidance you move forward in the journey of life. Every person you deal with is so different, in so many ways from each other. One finds oneself adjusting, accommodating and conditioning oneself to suit the different outlooks, temperament, attitude, behavior, core values and principles that each person carries with themselves when he or she interacts with us.

One is always on guard with strangers, acquaintances and all of those, whom we know, but don’t know too well. Being vigilant helps you to connect well, without being misunderstood and without causing any disturbance in the interactions. It helps you to talk well, choosing the right words to convey and communicate, and because you are careful with your manners and speech, there are not many reasons to develop grudges and grievances.There is no reason to take anybody for granted and when you treat others well with respect and care, you too most probably will be treated the same way, leaving both parties satisfied with the atmosphere they have created for each other. There are a lot of formalities to be adhered to in such relationships which keep it safe from any controversy.

When there is formality involved, there are fewer chances of you becoming too familiar with each other. There are fewer chances of getting hurt, fewer reasons to accuse and blame because you are dealing with each other in a professionally respectful manner. It is only when you deal with friends, close friends, and close family members, that one allows familiarity to creep in because these are relationships which give us the maximum freedom to be ourselves. You need to feel free to express, act and behave the way you are and the way you want to be. You don’t want to feel wary, you don’t want to feel scared and worried to express and act freely.

You want to be yourself, in this group of familiar people. It helps you unwind and feel secure in such company. The comfort zone that only family and close friends can provide is what keeps one happy, safe and secure in the knowledge that these are people who will be with me always, despite any ups and downs in life. These are the people I can count on, under any circumstance, because we understand, appreciate and enjoy the freedom, love, care, warmth, and security that we give to each other and here we can quote a few other meaningful adages, ”A friend in need is a friend indeed ”, ” Birds of the same feather, flock together ”, "United we stand, divided we fall” etc., which adds its own meanings to emphasize this close knit group that every person needs in all the phases of his or her life.

Each one of us, long to belong to a group of family and friends where we are cherished, loved and cared for - for what we are, where every defect, every wrong action is overlooked, corrected or accepted without being punished, and where we feel free, unpretentious, comfortable and secure to do, to speak, to express, to demand and feel wanted.This is the group which keeps you grounded, supports and guides you to go about your daily duties, helps you to struggle, guides you to achieve and protects and comforts you when you feel weak and face failure. So far so good. One should be fortunate to belong to such a group of people. Here comes the twist of human frailty. When you become too familiar with anyone, it is natural to lean on, depend and have a lot of expectations from them. And because YOU have been YOURSELF, never pretended and have completely exposed your true nature with all it positive strengths and weaknesses, the group knows you inside out and that may leave you vulnerable, especially in situations where you need to seek a lot of support and understanding from them. There is a lot of familiarity that has crept into the relationship or friendship which gives you the freedom to openly say and ask, and if the person you are dealing with is not in the frame of mind to agree and accept your demands or expressions, then differences start appearing. Moreover, your positive traits and achievements may be making others insecure from within. A man is after all competitive by nature, and is likely to feel jealous and threatened by anyone who is in a superior position either because of his wealth, physical appearance, success or winning attitude. However close one is, to another person, there is always space for competition and this is the most integral truth of human nature.

No human is consistent in his reactions in every situation. In different situations, under different circumstances, everyone thinks, acts and reacts differently and this becomes the sole reason for discord between two individuals.You know each other too well, but the changing scenario and one’s own individual opinion on a subject may cause a divide. What you say or do may not be to their liking, and there may be arguments and controversial statements spoken which leave you hurt and humiliated. When there is a lot of familiarity, there is a lot of openness and that backfires because there are then more reasons to hurt each other. You take one another for granted and blurt out whatever comes to mind. It's good, to be honest with each other, but honesty in trying periods can hurt badly. When you know each other too well, you may not be too happy with the particular habits and characteristics of one another, and these preconceived notions lead to a war of words which, in turn, leads to contemptuous expressions about each other.

So familiarity does make one feel secure, but one can never be sure if the other person feels secure too. He or she may be feeling insecure about your positive and bright qualities, and this insecurity leads to a lot of difference of opinions. This sense of insecurity, over a period of time, leaves them disgusted with your achievements, attitude, life style. There is a secret war raging within, which is never spoken aloud and when in tough situations, you get exposed to all that has been around you, invisible and dormant. When you are down and low and in need, they expose their real face to you and then there is double trouble, confronting with helplessness the reality of the whimsical shallowness that was so far hidden from you.

Lonely?

It took me more than 2 years, a great amount of desolation and a magnificent library to inspire me back to my writing ways.

My best friend is working, and it keeps the person busy most of the times. All my good friends are into their internships too or have something or the other which keeps them occupied. Ouch. So, for me, dealing with loneliness is a big (and ongoing) part of my life, and it has taken me a few months, and I am still trying to figure out how to deal with feeling alone.

I remember when I was in the middle of moving into a new job and city, and I hit some pretty low points during that period. I was stressed, physically exhausted, mugged, and pushed to my emotional limit. At one point, I had a full meltdown on my kitchen floor because I couldn't get the cooker to work, and I sat there, drenched in water, bawling my eyes out, feeling completely alone. Obviously, you don't have to not have a girlfriend to feel lonely at times, but these are the ways I've tried to keep my chin up and face feeling lonely head-on.

I have to admit that working on my master's degree during the Fall of 2016 was actually one of the best things for me. I was honestly too busy to be sad or lonely; I just didn't have the time! I don't know if this idea is a way to completely avoid or try to stuff your emotions deep down (that's not emotionally healthy either), but when you are involved in things that you enjoy and challenge you, your focus shifts from negative thoughts to positive ones. Set a goal or make a challenge for yourself to fulfill. You could spend more time on your academics, train to keep your body fit, learn to cook, read books, volunteer, or even start blogging. Trying to combat loneliness is one reason that I started this blog in the first place.

Unfortunately, I don't have the physical support of my family in this country to lean on when the most important person in your life is not there, but I am blessed to have lots of great friends that I know I can count on if I'm feeling a little down. But as tempting as it can be to make a call and hang out with someone anytime I feel a bit blue, I don't want to be totally dependent on my friends to cure my loneliness every time I feel alone - that's ultimately my job to deal with those feelings, not just their job. And yes, sometimes being with people you love lifts your spirit like nothing else can, but don't make your friends and family to be the only cure for your blues every time. What if they are busy or unavailable? They have their own lives and struggles to deal with sometimes, and it can put a lot of pressure on others if they feel that they are your sole source of strength. So make your loved ones an important part of your support network, but not the only part.

Watch out for bad habits. This one can be a big deal depending on what your bad habit is. It's possible that your bad habit may be a genuinely unhealthy action that's brought out when you feel upset or stressed, but most of the time it's a normal thing that gets taken to the extreme when you feel down (like eating tons of junk food when you feel upset). While I'm also totally guilty when it comes to lonely sessions of Blaze Pizza and Insomnia cookie eating, my personal bad habit is going traveling everywhere and spending more than I normally would just because I feel lonely (and also because I just love traveling). Most people can pinpoint their bad habits pretty quickly, so just make sure to keep an eye on that negative coping skill to keep the activities you enjoy at a healthy level.

Let's face it: As great as texting is, it's not always quite the same as speaking over a phone, which is not the same as being with another human being (especially if you are missing a specific human being). Even with my work and goals, friends and family, and hikes and travels, I still feel lonely at times when that one special person is not there. But you know what? That's okay! Loneliness creeps in when we want to feel connected to others (but don't at that moment), and without our internet and social-media-based culture, it can be an especially uncomfortable feeling to realize you're disconnected. But that feeling doesn't have to be a negative if you can take it as a time to breathe and reconnect with yourself. Being an introvert, I draw my strength from times of being quiet and alone, and I can use that alone time to unpack my worries and breathe a bit. And if you feel really bummed and just can't move past the feeling, it's okay to let that out too! Sometimes I just need to allow myself to feel sad for a moment, have a good cry to release the emotional build-up, and then wipe my eyes and move onto something I enjoy.

Overall, loneliness is something I have dealt with a lot, over the past couple of months, especially. Learning how to deal with those feelings when they come up can really improve your overall quality of life and keep you on a positive path. What are your tips for dealing with loneliness? Let me know.